On Fri, 4 Jun 2004 01:40:21 +0100, in uk.sport.football OscarG
<OscarG1977@hotmail.com> wrote:

I've been writing about a wild female just lately, one I was with for a
good while a few years back called "Jennie" because I think you lot will
enjoy it, but the thing is, as I've been writing and thinking about that,
I've been busy living a new chapter in the whirly world of OscarG.  Not
content with pulling the girl with the rack the other week within minutes
of entering a wine bar, later taking her back to my mate Dave's - I've
been at it again, but even better this time.

Some say, "Those who remember the past are destined to relive it."

Just this Sunday gone, I struck lucky again. Believe me, I have no idea
how this was achieved, my only guess is that it's because I'm so fucking
naive when it comes to birds most of the time.

I dropped my daughter off with her mum and headed home arriving at about
7pm. I only need to spend a short while on my own, after dropping her off,
before I get on a bit of a downer, nothing terminal like, I just feel a
bit empty and like the world has no purpose. When this kicks in I usually
do one of two things; sit there staring at the wall or go out and have a
few drinks. Last Sunday evening, I chose the latter.

One of the advantages of city centre living is you have an outrageous
choice of places you can visit to drown your sorrows - and plenty of
strangers to talk to. So off I pop into town fairly aimlessly, I had no
idea where I was heading, I'd just see where my feet would take me. I
know, I feel quite sad myself as I type it. Don't worry, I'm more of a
drifter than a loner, most of my mates live a few miles further out of
town than me, I just didn't fancy an out of town drink.

I managed to get as far as the Blob Shop right slap bang in the middle of
town where I nail a few pints in record time swiftly followed by a few
Aussie whites (not my usual tipple at all) which is very popular with the
older people that frequent the place. I like it in there, everyone's
arseholed, and it's packed all day every day. I got my taste on and
realised that I'd need to head somewhere else pretty soon as the place
closes on the dot at eleven. I leave and head for the La`go which is open
till very late, even on a Sunday. A dandy bar if ever there was one, you
get all manner of people in there like Beatle clones dressed Sgt Pepper
era to really fucking square cunts who bore you to fucking tears with
stuff that's probably interesting at two in the afternoon. The booze is
cheap, you can get Grolsch on draft £1.60/pint all the time, they do have
other stuff I just never arrive in any fit state to carry out a review.
They also play a fairly decent range of music to suit the eclectic tastes
of the oddly dressed revellers.

So I arrive, trying to look like I'm there to meet someone, set myself
up with a beer and head to one of the big speakers where I spend the next
hour or so talking absolute shite with some students. I got bored, and
being a bit pissed, went on the prowl. I was standing right in the middle
of the place, which had become very busy, when I got talking to some
regular scally type lads, nothing special, but I was in the perfect place
to make small talk to any bird that squeezed past.

I wasn't there for long before these two tall Liverpool girls with long,
dark hair turned up, both of them were fucking gorgeous, believe me,
certainly out of my league. I got talking to them and they said I look
like Shaun Ryder (I'm absolutely certain I don't) and we got onto the
topic of raves and what have you, super stuff considering I'd been bored
to tears by the student types. Anyway, time wore on, and they were still
there chatting away to me, they were excellent company, although they were
taking the piss out of me quite a bit - I enjoyed the attention. We were
getting on better and better, and rapidly getting friendly, that's how it
seemed anyway.

It got to leaving time, and we decided to get a taxi together, I live on
the way they'd be heading out of town, it was fine by me. We head to the
taxi rank where there's a big fuck off queue, when one of the girls
suggests we get something to eat, soft shite here suggests we go for a
Chinese, my treat(?) I didn't mind because they really were the kind
of nice company I needed to be with.

You see, that's probably the trick, I'd been with them for a few hours and
I hadn't made a pass at either of them, or even passed a compliment, I was
just chatting with them. I wasn't thinking "ooh, yeah, aaaaaaah kin
ssssmell the pussy".

So we head into the nearest Chinese restaurant that's open, sit down, order
some food and drinks and get comfy, when the girl I got on best with was
sat to my left and her sister (yes, sister) was sat opposite, but she
started getting a bit nasty towards me, taking the piss out of my clothes,
my hair and pretty much rubbishing most of what I was saying, and she was
doing it with aplomb. I just mentioned, as I left my seat to visit the
gents, that she could go all night and she wouldn't upset me because I've
endured far worse. The truth was, I was too drunk to give a shit. As I
left I heard the nice sister say, "stop being a such a bitch, he's a
really nice bloke." I started to think I was being set up or something
because I was sure the whole fucking restaurant heard her.

I get back from the gents and the food is served up, we still chat but I
detect the nasty sister has been told to cool her jets. The atmosphere
becomes more agreeable, until I'm asked by the nice sister what my food is
like - "discharge!", I reply (I never fail to serve that one up), I say it
loud enough for everyone to hear. I always forget how shocked people are
by it though. My guests and the people nearby were truly stunned. I think
it's funny anyway, and that's what matters. Everyone in there must have
been pissed anyway cos it was about 3:30am, you just wouldn't be sober at
that hour, surely.

We eat up, drink up, settle up, leave, head back to the massive queue at
the taxi rank, there are two Irish lads in front of us and the usual crap
group chat takes off. I can keep my chat up to scratch in pretty much any
state, so I made a decent account of myself in the group thing. But then
something happened that came as a very big and most welcome surprise,
yet I have no idea what triggered it. The nasty sister moved herself right
in front of me, facing away but leaning back into me. I thought she was
just getting out of the wind as the temperature was dropping a bit and she
wasn't wearing much of a top. I didn't mind at all, being the gent that I
am, and continued to talk to the two Irish lads over her shoulder.  Then
what does she go and do? She grabs my hands and places them on the cheeks
of her bottom! I was completely shocked, but did the best thing and didn't
react at all, keeping things as natural as possible.

Given the way she was towards me in the restaurant I just thought she was
using me to get warm. I didn't mind though, because the two lads in front
were obviously well into these two slender babes and I was groping the bum
off one sister at her request, which ruled the two cunts out of fighting
over the other sister, basically I controlled both girls and the two sorry
desperadoes had to start agreeing with everything I said to keep themselves
in with a slight chance of pulling. Heh, heh. And to think, I'd gone out
to drown my sorrows.

Now, being the gent that I am, I moved my hands off the nasty sister's
bottom and placed them on her hips, but you know what she did, she put
them right back on the cheeks of her bottom again, and she did it in such
a way that I knew my hands had to stay where they are told to. We stood
there for ages while everyone chatted and I groped the fit nasty sister's
beautifully shaped bum. I tell you, this girl was way out of my league, a
real corker.

We get to the front of the queue and I start to wonder what's going to
happen next, a cab pulls up, we get in. I was looking at a ten minute trip
to my place at best and I knew then having had a bit of pert bottom I
needed a plan fast, (never mind all that fantasy crap, this is real life,
I had to turn two sisters into one) before I'd even got any ideas started
nasty sister asked if it was alright if she, alone, could come back to my
place? BINGO! The cab wasn't even off the rank yet.

Whoever it is, in heaven or wherever you are, you who pulls these strings
for me, I want it to go on record here just how deeply grateful I am to
you. When you romp in like that it is p-u-r-e bliss.

I have just a little problem though. I can't take her back to my place, it
isn't on. The place isn't decorated, I haven't lived here long enough to
be arsed with that yet, the living room is completely empty, because I
just don't need it, and I'm not sure if I've got any toilet paper.
Also, I was pretty sure there was a big mess in the kitchen. To put it
bluntly, we weren't going back to mine, end of story. She would never have 
gone for it. I'm sure she would have tried to escape.

There's only one place where I can be going at nearly 5am on a Monday
morning - my mum's. I never said anything though, I just said we'd be
going to my mum's like that's where I lived in Walton, the way they were
going. We arrive, I give the nice sister enough for the cab to get her the
rest of the way home, and drag nasty sister to the door of my mum's place.
The next bit must have looked a bit unusual to her  because I had to bang
on the window and ring the door bell a few times. My mum's the best mum in
the world, she was at the door in a flash which was a great relief, I
explained we were just passing and needed the toilet,

"oh, you'd better come in then. And who's your friend?"
"Ah, mum, Alison -- Alison, mum."
"hi"
"hi"

<'choice' atmosphere>

The taxi was well away -  we're stranded at my mum's.

Alison is shown straight to the toilet by my mum, who returns still half
asleep,

"don't mind if we stay for while, mum?"
"no, but I'm going back to bed though, I'm working in the morning."
"oh, never mind, good night"

<mum leaves>

Woohoo. **biggest star jumps ever**

Sadly, I can't say much more out of repsect, other than what happened next
was very pleasant indeed, we couldn't go to the spare bedroom because if
my mother heard me taking a girl - who hasn't been given the third degree
- to the spare bedroom, she would have got up again and battered me.  We
had to stay in the living room.

The reason I hadn't told you lot about this before, when she left my mum's
at about 11am I didn't have her number, but I still thought she was only
frisky because she'd had a few drinks, above all else. I didn't hold out
any hope of seeing her ever again, like she'd wake up and think "what the
fuck was I doing there? With that cunt?" So what I did was, as her taxi
arrived, I legged into the kitchen and wrote down my number on a piece of
paper so that if she wanted to contact me she could, I did it in a very
'you never know you might get stuck sometime', kind of way. Straight away
she pulled out her mobile and told me to copy the number down, the fact
she didn't attempt to blag her number, instead showing me it, gave me some
hope. But as ever, disaster struck, the fucking worst, as I looked her in
the eyes for the first time in what seemed like ages, I was distracted by
two of the biggest hickeys you've ever seen in your life, on her neck, and
they were pure fucking claret. Simply speaking, I was too miserable to tell
you lot of it when I got home.

Given her potential moodiness, I realised, the minute she sees them she's
going to hate me with a fiery passion. I haven't got a chance of seeing
her again, ever.

Anyway, here we are now. It took me four days to work up the courage to
phone her. Ever the opportunist, I dialled half the number at least three
times before I went the whole hog. She never answered, it went to the
messaging service, I had nothing prepared. Bollocks. So what. The time we
spent alone together was fucking brilliant, and believe me, her bum was
even better bare.

Half an hour later, my phone goes

"Is that Shaun Rhyder?"
"It is"
"Were you ringing to ask me out?"
"no, I was ringing you to tell you if I'd noticed those two disgusting
hickeys on your neck in the La'go, I wouldn't have touched you with a
fucking barge pole"
**she laughs hard**

(come on, you have to applaud the quality there, hey?)

I said I was busy this weekend but if she wanted to we could go out next
weekend. She's going on holiday then, so we arranged for this Thursday.

This is a worldwide exclusive!

Just to put you in the picture as to how good this is for me, not only is
she very attractive by anyone's standards, she likes to keep herself fit,
she likes the same music as me and the best bit, she's a staunch red who
sits on the main stand.

I must remember to drown my sorrows more often.

--
OscarG
--