Following the shock rapprochement between warring managers Arséne Wenger and
Alex Ferguson, the details of the FA's emergency tribunal that brought it
about have now been leaked. It has been revealed that two mysterious
consultants managed the impossible - getting them to make friends and act
like grown-ups.

Nominally chairing the meeting, FA Chairman Geoff Thomson informed the
mediators of the charges made against the two managers. He then retired to a
safe distance to take notes. Enter Agnés Wenger, a slight but severe-looking
lady of 87, who swore on a rather good bottle of Burgundy that she was
indeed the mother of the Arsenal coach. She professed herself "very
disappointed" at the catalogue of offences named in the FA's dossier,
especially the alleged throwing of food.

Jean Muirhead, 92, represented the Ferguson family in place of Sir Alex's
late mother and father. Closely resembling Supergran with an eyepatch, she
would frequently allude to the calamity that would unfold if only the United
gaffer's parents could see him now.

Mrs Muirhead began proceedings by asking Mr Ferguson to recall what she had
told him about getting into trouble with the other managers. After having to
repeat the question, Ferguson replied: "Don't know, Auntie Jean," whilst
looking at his shoes. Taking his ear in a firm grip, Muirhead then thrashed
the snivelling Scotsman around the head with her handbag until he began to
cry.

Mme Wenger quickly took up the questioning, alternating between asking the
Arsenal manager what he thought he was playing at, then imploring God
Almighty to explain what she had done to deserve such an ungrateful, naughty
son. Faced with such a rhetorical line of questioning, Wenger could do
nothing except blush and say "Sorry mother" as often as he could.

With an approving nod from Mme. Wenger, Mrs Muirhead rushed forward and
banged the sullen managers' heads together, bringing an end to the rift with
a symbolic act of maternal violence. She concluded: "God help ye both if
this happens again." The managers shook hands without making eye contact and
the FA's representatives declared themselves satisfied with the result of
the meeting. However, the battling ladies confirmed more informal
disciplinary measures would be executed just as soon "as we get you two boys
home".