'Splendid Sport In The Sun', from OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT

A prodigious feast of sporting PROWESS was enjoyed by the many
spectators at the Kennington Oval this recent Sunday past, as the
valiant Old Etonians were overcome by footballing upstarts The UKSF XI
by 5 goals to 2.

OUR CORRESPONDENT WRITES:

A most unorthodox match of FOOTBALL commenced in rousing style as the
Old Etonians, resplendent in their caps, fashionable trousers and
manly moustaches, celebrated their heritage with the ritual Beating Of
The Fag (greatly enjoyed by some of the UKSF XI Supporters Club, who
appeared to be taking notes), followed by three huzzahs on the first
flow of blood, and a splendid chorus of the NATIONAL ANTHEM to praise
HER MAJESTY.

Only then did the UKSF XI appear on the pitch, and several of the
spectators were moved to comment on their extraordinary appearance.
Firstly, it was clear that some of them were not GENTLEMEN, and that
they may not have attended one of the better schools. It also became
apparent that one or two of them may have actually been LADIES, and
Lord Kinnaird was greatly exercised, commenting that the rough field
of SPORT was no place for the fairer sex, whom may be striken by the
vapours at some of the manly challenges that were bound to ensue. Sir
Oswald also rapidly discerned that Mr. CUNNINGHAM was an Irishman, and
an unseemly scene ensued when the noble peer attempted to engage the
UKSF inside forward in constructing a canal across his land. The scene
was rapidly defused when Mr. CUNNINGHAM essayed some of his amusing
music-hall witticisms, and Sir Oswald declared him a capital fellow
and called for three cheers for his pluck, a sentiment that may have
been misheard by some of the crowd. However, the misgivings of some of
the better-bred OEs at the lowly birth of their opponents was assuaged
at the discovery that UKSF custodian SIR BENJAMIN NUNN was a PEER OF
THE REALM, and the match was free to commence.

With the UKSF manager, Mr. CRANKSHAW, an elderly Scotsman, installed
under his blanket at the pitchside, the match was ready to kick off,
but Old Etonians manager Sir Alexander Ferguson was nowhere to be
seen. Upon being informed that the doughty patriarch was gracing the
cellarman with his company, the game commenced.

What an exciting scene ensued! Almost from the off, the Old Etonians
began strongly, but their first attack was curtailed when the Arbiter
ruled that Major ELLIOT-MURRAY-KYNYMOUND was not allowed to pursue Mr.
CHOPSY with a shotgun on the grounds that the latter was 'obviously
common'. The good Major was lectured for his lack of sportsmanship,
and I fear it had an effect on his game, as he completely forgot to
thrash his bootboy after the contest. It became clear that the Old
Etonians natural educational superiority was being negated by some of
the innovative tactics that the wily SCOTSMAN had instilled into their
opponents, and Sir MYLES in the Etonian goal was to enjoy a busy
afternoon.

The first goal came from an unlikely source. Mr. POLESON, a Compatriot
of Mr. CRANKSHAW, threaded a fine Through Ball to MS. CONLAN, who
looked to be losing the race with LORD KINNAID. However, that worthy
PEER, quickly appraised that his foe, although not wearing a bonnet,
was obviously a LADY, and raised his hat to her as befits a GENTLEMAN.
The quick-thinking CONLAN dashed past him, and as Sir MYLES made his
bow to her, drove past him to hand the lead to the XI! Baron
LLOYD-WEBBER suggested that, so singular was a goal by a lady, that it
should count double, but the Arbiter ruled that it should count
single. Alas for the Old Etonians! The Baron d-mned him for a
blackguard, and was ordered from the field of play!

Almost immediately, the Old Etonians struck back. Sebastian
Smith-Kline-Beecham, fortified by a medicinal draught of opium
supplied to him by a SUBTLE CHINEE, raced for a long punt but made the
error of running by MR. COOK. The latter, behaved in a manner familiar
to those used to the low behaviour of the Cockney, and upended the
fresh-faced young captain of industry. The Arbiter spoke harshly to
MR. COOK, who replied that he had applied what he called 'The
Reducer', and further opined that 'these ponces don't like it up 'em',
an observation with which the REV. STOREY-MOORE disagreed, citing
several experiences in the Eton dormitories as a counter-argument.
This debate concluded, LORD HORE-BELISHA ran the ball into the
unguarded UKSF goal, declaring that as a major land-owner, he could
'do as he bl--dy well pleased'. Despite the complaints of the UKSF XI,
the Arbiter allowed the goal on the reasonable grounds that His
Lordship was an excellent fellow whom he often met at the club.

This perceived injustice clearly inflamed the UKSF XI, and they played
with considerable verve from then. It was at around this point that
Sir Oswald noted that the UKSF defensive line was composed of
Colonials from the former PENAL COLONIES, and engaged a Policeman to
have them removed. MESSERS RUDDOCK and CYPHER took exception to this
treatment, and a bracing melee ensued. Once the Colonials had settled
the matter to their satisfaction, and Sir Oswald had received medical
treatment, they then combined in singular fashion to conjure a goal
striking in its elegance. MR. RUDDOCK dribbled past E.J. THRIBB (the
latter remarking, 'So, farewell then, ball'), and placed a pass
sideways to MR. CYPHER, out on the left touchline. Evading the
makeshift stove the Hon. HUGH FEARNLEY-WHITTINGSTALL had erected near
the corner-flag, he put a fine cross-ball in to MR. HOROWITZ who
calmly placed past the despairing Sir Myles.

Half time rapidly came around, and a fine repast of rare beef and
venison placentae, prepared by FEARNLEY-WHITTINGSTALL was laid out for
the combatants.

In the second half, the Old Etonians campaign was surrendered. MR.
KULLRAD, hitherto engaged largely in the production of language of the
lowliest sort, made a robust challenge on MR. WRIGHT-PHILLIPS, and
played a ball to MS. BARRETT. She then passed to MR. CUNNINGHAM, who
evaded LORD KINNAIRD and 'chipped' SIR MYLES to score the third. A
melancholy scene then ensued as His Lordship and Sir Myles, both
accusing the other of fault, engaged in an altercation. When two
gentlemen of quality quarrel in such a manner, the conclusion is
inevitable. SIR MYLES requested the pleasure of LORD KINNAIRD's
presence at a certain time and place, and the seconds were called.
LORD KINNAIRD, of course, is one of the finest shots in THE EMPIRE.
Happily as this report is written, London's finest surgeons believe
that SIR MYLES' life may well be saved.

Once the formalities were concluded LORD KINNAIRD and SIR MYLES shook
hands, and the match resumed. A fine run by the REV. STOREY-MOORE was
halted by a fine challenge from MR. CYPHER, and MS. BARRETT was on
hand to prevent LORD HORE-BELISH from increasing his account. But
despite these sallies from the Old Etonians, MR. COOK was clearly
reigning supreme in the centre, his forceful style giving the Old
Etonians a most difficult time. SIR BENJAMIN was largely untroubled,
and passed the time in conversation with MR. CYPHER about the latter's
business interests in the Antipodes. Young SMITH-KLINE-BEECHAM caught
wind of the conversation, and joined in with relish, visibly impressed
by the collection of lithographs that MR. CYPHER had on hand, and the
young shaver was so overcome that he was forced to leave the field of
play with his fag.

MR. HOROWITZ, who had spent some of the first half in an argument with
his MANAGER over 'formats', went on a splendid run, evading the
challenges of the Old Etonians and placing a square pass to MS.
CONLAN. She evaded the hapless THRIBB, passed to MR. POLESON, and the
latter sent a missile which SIR MYLES had to strain to save. But MR.
RUDDOCK, marauding upfield, was on hand to net yet another for the
UKSF XI, and to give the scoreline a very one-sided look.

Worse was to follow, as MR. CHOPSY, lazily scribbling in a battered
notebook, won a tackle against the dispirited MAJOR
ELLIOTT-MURRAY-KYNYNMOUND. He passed to MR. HOROWITZ, who delivered a
cross to ROBERT POLESON, and the wily Caledonian opened his own
personal account with a fine headed goal.

The Old Etonians had the final say, as LORD KINNAIRD, a champion
boxer, won a challenge with MR. KULLRAD, in which the latter claimed
that His LORDSHIP had illegally used his fists. Normally, such a slur
would have left LORD KINNAIRD no option but to deliver a sound
thrashing to the cur who questioned his honour so, but dispensation
was given to MR. KULLRAD for being one of the Lower Orders, and
obviously unused to the proper way of Doing Things. His LORDSHIP made
a fine pass to the REV. STOREY-MOORE, who placed a somewhat fortuitous
strike past the hitherto impeccable SIR BENJAMIN.

This left the Final Score 5-2 to the UKSF XI, who showed considerable
fortitude and pluck to win the game. The presence of Colonials,
Irishmen and Ladies in the side may have raised a few eyebrows, and
won them the game, but it was clear to all that FOOTBALL is a game for
GENTLEMEN, and will remain so as long as THE EMPIRE reigns!

Three Cheers For Her Majesty!

Old Etonians 2   5 UKSF XI
Hore-Belisha 32  Conlan 29
Kinnaird 90      Horowitz 41
                 Cunningham 52
                 Ruddock 70
                 Poleson 81