<36cc16b0.547247@news.freeserve.co.uk>...

> >>I said I was *thinking* about it. In much the same way I am
*thinking*
> >>about fixing up my old A100, and *thinking* about losing some weight,
> >>and *thinking* about getting a real job....
> >>
> >Maybe I will do it at the end of the season. No promises 
> >though.
> 
> Tell ya what, you do Scotland, I'll do England. Or maybe vice-versa
> would be more fun...
> 
> Bugger, now *I'm* going into double-entendre mode...

Bollocks to the pair of you, I'll bloody do it!

---------------------------

THE uk.sport.football SQUAD FOR 1998/99

After the shambles of the asseuk World Cup team, in which distinct
squabbling amongst members of both sides meant an unfortunate exit in the
second round for the English (On penalties to the de.rec.sport.fussball
representative XI), and unexpectedly, a group stage exit for Scotland
(Embarrassingly to the fj.rec.sports.football U16 five-a-side team).

Anyway, after the creation of a new group in the close season, and heated
debate on the FA Committee, it was decided to merge the two sides
together into a uk.sport.football XI, not least 'cos it saves me having
to think up twice as many people.

Out went Newcastle captain Paul Louis, who had never really recovered
from his injuries suffered at the beginning of last season, and had been
playing on past glories. Ditto absentees Jeremy Dirkcze (who rumour has
it has checked into a 'stress clinic' after being dropped, or was it
Liverpool's recent results?) and Snaps, whose long absence for reasons
unknown counted dearly.

Anyway, a new UK XI plus squad players has been drawn up, along with some
promotions into the backroom staff:

In goal, Ali McLeod, the Dunfermline-born part-Brazilian who used to play
under the name Sammylivesinho, but years of tireless work has knackered
him, and after told his services were no longer needed outfield, he has
to be downgraded to goalkeeper. Peaks occasionally but some say the name
change hasn't done his form any good.

At the back, Paul "Makes Lineker look like Norman Hunter" Chan plays with
the calm assurance of Franck Leboeuf and the angel-facedness of Jody
Morris, in fact his seven hundred and thirty three long game run without
conceding a foul is a uksf record, no mean feat considering he does not
turn out regularly for one club, though usually guesting for Chelsea and
Derby. In fact, apart from the occasional howler at Upton Park, he's
retained much of his pre-World Cup form.

In contrast, his new colleague at the back, Alasdair Allan, has become an
even darker figure of late. Attackers think the right wing-back is
nowhere to be seen - before jumping out of nowhere, breaking both legs,
teaching you several new swearwords and the odd piece of economic
doctrine before ghosting away again. Excelled recently in matches versus
the uk.religion.misc XI and a visiting US team.

Partnering Paul Chan in the centre is Ben Houlford. His conflicting
feelings over departed manager Glenn Hoddle have been taken as signs of
stress, but his assured form at the heart of Arsenal's back four cannot
be refuted. However his often clean appearance clashes with the odd bit
of off-the-ball 'punishment' if necessary.

At left-back we have the venerable DocGonz0, whose excellent mobility on
the pitch might have to do with having his play aided by riding his
Aprilia when on the pitch. Rumours of an FA investigation into his use or
encouragement of prohibited performance-enhancing substances, are of
course, entirely false. Doc also doubles as team physio, after his
successes as Darren Anderton's personal trainer between 1996 and 1998.

In midfield, we have newcomer Alex Kamilewicz. His exact claims to UK
citizenship are slightly dubious, but no-one can doubt the educated
midfielder's clean, cool play, as well as the ability to laugh anything
off. Rumours that Oxford United will sell him off to a rich club across
the Atlantic in the coming months are hopefully untrue.

Captain Camel J. retains his dependable anchorman slot, despite the odd
laziness in his play (Neglecting to write up the team guidebook's index
for four months a case in point). Hopefully the recent bizarre stalking
and mailing of animal offal to his house will not put him off the
important qualifiers coming up.

Stephen Colligan gets a rare turn out on the right wing, normally
Alasdair gets his go there, but after every nine times the Rangers man
plays Colligan gets a go, if only to perpetuate the myth there is real
competition for that spot.

Latest youth Geordie sensation Colin Riches represents his side in place
of the displaced Paul Louis. Although touted as the attacking option uksf
so desperately need, more often than not he's forced back into a highly
defensive position, though he maintains his guard well.

Doggo inherits the Roy Keane/Graeme Le Saux 'intellectual hard man' role
from Snaps, whose appearances become less and less frequent as there
becomes less and less controversial non-Man U material to capitalise on.
Doggo's at times brutal play and sheer arrogance (Not least in changing
his name to reflect Arsenal's recent success) more than fills Snaps's
boots, and he packs bite up front.

"Polly" PJS, who in her spare time writes for the Guardian and Radio
Times, still acts as a shining example to aspiring non-league players.
However, a notable personality crisis and periods of denial in the past,
plus an inability to ever snip anything out of a post, suggests upcoming
talent might displace her if she doesn't pick her form up quick.

As for the bench....

Jungle Jim & Willard Whyte are on the bench, but as they play for
Tottenham I don't know anything about them since I never watch Spurs on
grounds of taste. :-P

Young upstart Rob Dormer also makes it, although his occasional Nicolas
Anelka-style impetuousness and a reported feud with England teammate Ben
Houlford means his chances are limited.

Lanky German keeper Michael Zeigermann also makes the squad. Rumours that
Man United might buy him from Cambridge Utd in the summer, if only to
make a bloody fortune on the name printing on the replica shirts they'd
sell, still abound to this day.

Julie J, the cheerful Newcastle-born Gazza of the uksf side, often
donning a pair of comedy breasts, brings some much-needed cheer into a
usually depressing and soulless side. However, certain antics have
displaced her from the team and onto the bench, and maybe a full drop
from the squad is imminent.

And behind the team...

Paul Crankshaw couldn't face playing in a mixed English/Scottish side and
gracefully decided to retire from playing internationally. However, his
intimate knowledge of every uksfer's number of games, goals and exact
choice of breakfast cereal for every morning since 1987 meant his
expertise had to be used in his role as assistant coach.

Steve, having played non-stop for 47 years in the Arsenal defence, had to
retire after an alas incurable repetitive strain injury in his right
shoulder. However, this hasn't stopped him in pursuit of a coaching
career, and is a meticulous and careful assistant coach alongside
Crankshaw, at least when he's not tending to his world record collection
of "Anelka 9" replica shirts back home.

And of course, there's the manager. Who better to lead out the team at
Wembley Municipal Playing Fields every Tuesday and Friday evening than
the intelligent resourceful man, without whom asseuk would have never got
off the ground, and thus uksf would have never been created? The one
group personality who has not been mentioned so far. So much intelligent
and reasoned debate has been caused by this man, a hero almost in the
eyes of the internet populace. Of course, I am referring to everyone's
favourite net cult figure, Tomas Brolin. Wonder no more about where he's
gone after leaving Palace. He is there, behind his staff in the dugout
(Or at the burger van if there's a break in play), whose glittering
career meant a certainty when it came to who the FA would have to appoint
for the job.

And those who didn't quite make it....

RED-DEVIL's application for UK eligibility failed at the last minute, the
FA, keen to avoid another Hoddle-style controversy, refused it on grounds
of his dubious personal life. So he still regularly turns out for the
USA, and starts every match, not least because no subs' bench in the
world is built well enough to take the strain.

Harald Sjoo, Sweden's best loved internet footballer, has sadly gone
missing, not least after an unfortunate road incident with an elk.
Indeed, such was his distress at the embarrassment, rumours of moving
halfway across the world have appeared in the press. But a comeback is
mooted at any time, we're told.

So there you have it. Sincere apologies to just about everyone on the
team, anyone else I offended by leaving out, anyone still offended by
having to read so much text and not finding it funny enough, and most of
all Rob Poleson for shamefully trying to follow in his footsteps. :-)

-- 
"I have no friends"
     -  Nicolas Anelka

Chris Applegate - Remove x from mail address when replying
The Brit Football FAQ: http://www.dialsquare.freeserve.co.uk/footfaq.htm
The uksf archive: http://users.ox.ac.uk/~manc0046/uksf/uksfarch.html