it's vital that a new UKSF XI is formed as soon as possible to
ensure the other newsgroups don't get a head-start on us this
year.  We all dream of winning the Usenet Championship next
May and though we've lost several of our superstars from last
season's all-conquering team, I firmly believe we've got the
talent to be successful both domestically and in European
competition again this year.

And what a year it's been for the UKSF team.  Hit by injuries
and loss of form throughout the season, we were always going to
struggle.  The loss of our spiritual leader, Chris Applegate, at the
very start of the season was a major blow.  It was a loss we never
fully recovered from.  An embarrassing early European exit at
the hands of pt.rec.desporto.futebol should have allowed us to
concentrate on domestic matters but alas, in-fighting and
accusations of a "clique" forming within the team destroyed the
previously legendary team spirit.

But now, we've got to put all that behind us and look to the future.
I am proud to announce that I, Mike Cunningham, have taken over
as player-manager this season as a result of previous incumbent, Doc
Gonz0, falling foul of the Uk* hierarchy and subsequently receiving a
touchline ban.  The worry this has caused Doc is the reason behind
his patchy form of late.

So, without further ado, I present to you the third incarnation of the
UKSF XI for the 2000/01 season:


Michael Zeigermann retains his place in goal despite a poor season
last term.  The man the fans have affectionately dubbed "Goatman"
wasn't at his best last year and at times, seemed invisible in the
face of heavy pressure.  There were many times when his team-mates
called on him for support last year -- particularly during the heated
battle against PG-Susie -- only for him to be nowhere to be
found.  He has assured me, however, that things will be different
this season and frankly, when it comes to penalty shoot-outs, I'd
rather have an invisible German goalkeeper than a visible English
one.

At the back, we've been forced to rebuild completely.  Sadly, time
has run out for Applegate and Doggo.  The Arsenal defenders have
started to look increasingly vulnerable and with tough European
clashes to come, I'm not willing to risk it.  Thus, I've decided to
start with a central defensive unit of P. Jewell and Dave Hillam.
Jewell has performed remarkably despite several name changes,
which must have proved unsettling.  Earns his place thanks to a
terrific display of character after bouncing back from the
disappointment of having to change his name from Kinnear to
Jewell.  That, folks, _can't_ have been easy.  One of the few constants
throughout last season, this owl has gone from bit-part player to superstar
in amazingly quick time.  Needs to lose the tweed jacket with elbow
patches though.

Joining him at the back is Dave Hillam, who makes his first appearance
in the team.  Previously considered something of a luxury player, he
has recently found acceptance among the more influential members
of the team and has thus been given his chance.  Definitely one for the
future and is one of a handful who, thanks to his exceptional tactical
awareness, I could easily see being promoted to player-manager this
time next year.

At left-back, I've gone with the ever dependable Paul Chan.  Famed
for his consistency, Chan is getting on a bit in years now but continues
to show remarkable enthusiasm for the game.  Still gets forward
superbly well but his crosses are no longer as accurate as they
once were -- a point which has been highlighted by the right-back, PJS.

And what of PJS?  A right-back with more drive and hunger it would
be tough to find.  Made his name with crunching tackles and proved
his worth in the critical "War of UKSF" at the start of the year.
Refused to back down when others were looking to be substituted
and that, alone, is enough to earn "Polly" his place in the starting
line-up.

Last season's midfield featured three of the most creative and
inventive players in UKSF history -- Messrs Gonz0, Colligan
and Cunningham were considered to be the most dynamic
midfield trio ever seen in Usenet competition.  Sadly, however,
their downfall was a rapid one.  Gonz0's problems (documented
above), though unfortunate, were nothing compared to those
of young Colligan.  Some say he was jailed for fondling schoolboys
while others say he died in some bizarre sex game after he allowed
his fame and fortune to go to his head.  Whatever the case, it was
truly a tragic end to the young Scot's promising career.

As a result of this, I've decided to go with a more defensive
formation this year.  We'll play with four in midfield this term, with
Cunningham and Gonz0 being joined by Nick Parsons and Old
Father Tim.

What can be said about Cunningham that hasn't been said before?
Young, handsome and as talented as the UKSF XI has ever seen,
this lad is a superstar.  Despite going missing for long periods during
the season and an ongoing feud with the goalkeeper, Zeigermann,
Cunningham is the man who makes this team tick.  Of course, he's
always willing to get stuck in for the team too.  In fact, it's been
suggested that he's outstanding in the tackle department.  For the record
though, I'd just like to deny rumours that he's the manager's "golden boy."

Speaking of golden boys, the former star of the team, Doc Gonz0
is a shadow of his former self.  Now lacking his quick-fire wit
and acidic tongue, the midfielder believes he can live off the glory
of yesteryear and retain his place in the team.  Well, he's right.
Hasn't played any _really_ good games since the epic match against
PG-Susie and the sockpuppets but that alone has earned him his
place in this year's team.  If he doesn't buck up his act soon, however,
the likes of Mad Bomber seem certain to replace him in the middle of
the park.

Next we have Nick Parsons -- A young player who encourages
others to make references to Nicholas Parsons as frequently as
possible in an attempt to lift team spirit.  We like team spirit here
on the UKSF XI but it would be wrong to say that's the only
reason for Parsons' inclusion.  Far from it, had it not been for
his tendency to disappear in games, he may well have been
appointed captain.  As fair as they come, Nick has been promoted
from referee... not least because he threatened to send me off
if he wasn't on the team.

Completing the midfield, we have newcomer, Old Father Tim.
Don't let the name fool you though -- This lad is right out of our
youth team, where he's been tormenting opposition defenses
for years.  It does have to be said, however, that OFT does
bear a striking resemblence to a former UKSF XI player.
Can't quite put my finger on it though.  Also, his fascination with
trousers is quite disturbing and hasn't endeared him to his
team-mates.  Needs to find some early season form or could
find himself out in the cold.  And his fondness of kilts doesn't
make that a particularly attractive proposition.

Spearheading our attack, we have another constant in last season's
team, Vicky Conlan.  As consistent as they come, it has to be said
that Conlan may be feeling the effects of old age.  Her contributions
are not what they once were and there are those who say she
has become increasingly cynical over the last year.  Whatever
the case, there can be no doubt that Conlan can turn on the style
when she feels like it and her deft touches could prove crucial
this season -- particularly in Europe.

Despite his recent absence, I was sorely tempted to hand Camel
the Number 10 shirt simply because he probably worked harder
than anyone last season to keep UKSF afloat.  Though his efforts
are appreciated, it would be wrong to encourage this kind of
absenteeism, which would undoubtedly lead to more people
skipping training without an explanation.  Thus, after much
consideration, I've decided to play young Ben Nunn up front
alongside Conlan.  The two seem to share an understanding
which will prove useful in unlocking defenses this season.
Nunn hasn't fulfilled the potential we all thought he had last year
but this time, I'm going to give him his debut as I firmly believe he
can put his off-the-field problems with the media (notably the
BBC) behind him and become a valuable team player.


Subs:

Paul Crankshaw -- Allegations of misconduct during a thread at the
start of the year have put paid to his chances of a first-team place.
This is sure to be a controversial decision, however, as his actions
have been and supported and celebrated by several team-mates.

Paul Blarmy --  Struck up an understanding with P. Jewell in
pre-season that has appeared almost telepathic.  They seem to have
formed a unique bond for some reason.  Hugely promising youngster who
I wouldn't hesitate to throw on if we needed a goal late in the game.

Mad Bomber -- A superstar in the making.  Similar to Cunningham
last year, has proved his worth in a battle with RED DEVIL.  It would,
however, be irresponsible of me to blood this youngster too soon.  But
there can be no doubt that his time will come.

Citizen Camel J. -- This enigmatic striker appears to be of the
belief that the new transfer system has already been implemented
and has decided to quit UKSF in favour of a move to one of the
big Italian or Spanish newsgroups.  But like Snaps at RSS and
Sabu424 at... well, everywhere, there'll always be a place in
the side if and when he returns.


Didn't Make the Team:

RED DEVIL -- Out for several reasons, not least because of his
amazing unpopularity with his team-mates.  Also, his insistence
on having the communal bath replaced by a hot-tub hasn't
endeared him to management.  On being told of his exclusion,
RD was said to have produced a list of statistics detailing how
successful he's been over the years.  It may have worked too,
but for the fact that he overplayed that particular hand... just
a little.

To others who didn't make the team this year, work hard and
maybe this time next year, there'll be something to celebrate.
Alternatively, there's every chance that I just forgot your name,
in which case, you should endeavour to be more memorable
next year.

If someone wants to take charge of the UKSF reserves and
youth teams for this season, however, that's fine with me.


Mike