"shirley.hooker" <shirley.hooker@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:gjJhc.4$WK1.0@newsfe3-win.server.ntli.net...
> There's an idea.. Everyone describe their 'fantasy Bond movie... Who plays
> Bond, the bad guy, the girls.. the theme.. .etc..?
>
> You're allowed to pick people from any time period..

Okay, here goes.

==
"Goldarses" (PG)

Bond, played of course by Robert Poleson, is on honeymoon with his lovely new wife,
Veronica Bilespit (Conlan), when Mexican bandits played by Moog, Kullrad and TonyMac,
going under the name "el Toffees" shoot her dead from a passing helicopter.  Turns
out they are working for the notorious Goldarses (Nunn), who is planning to hold the
world to miserable ransom with his deadly Cuntspiracy Ray.

Back at HQ, Bond is briefed on his mission by Q, played by Paul Crankshaw, and makes
time to flirt with the lovely Miss Moneypenny (Gary Brew) as usual.  His gadgets for
this mission include:

A whisky bottle disguised as a bottle of lemonade.
A pen which fires 50ml rounds of whisky.
Some whisky.
Some more whisky, disguised as a laptop computer.
A car made of whisky.
A whisky bomb, cunningly fashioned from many small bottles of whisky.

Let it never be said that Q sends Bond out unprepared.

Following a tenuous lead, Bond finds himself in a Florida casino where he is seduced
by the delectable Suxfor Qualifications (Barrett), who tries to kill him with Soviet
Fags.  He foils her plan, of course, shags her senseless and catches the next plane
back to Hednesford where he meets up with Number 2 (ST).  A dangerous game of Russian
Roulette leads to both parties firing several dozen rounds of Scotch into their own
mouths from the end of a pen, falling around laughing a lot and calling each other
"cuntsh".  Unwittingly, though, Number 2 falls right into Bond's trap and it isn't
long before he's divulging such secrets as where Goldarses is housing his Cuntspiracy
Ray, when he plans to set it off if the World doesn't meet his demands, and what's
the best time to catch Mrs Number 2 at home alone.

A routine door-fit later, and Bond is back on a plane, this time to a land down-under
where he is lavished with perky young Auskiwi wenches (Demosthenes, Dat, Ruddock) in
a disconcertingly generous display of hospitality by the mysterious Manpimp (Cypher).
Turns out Manpimp is also working for Goldarses, although Bond himself had worked
this out by now anyway, on account of the wenches trying to kill him with bullets
fired from their pissflaps.  They're no match for his overwhelming laziness, though,
and he quickly has all three trapped under the weight of his righteous cunty.

Next stop, Isle of Mull.  Rumour has it that Goldarses' underground lair is contained
within the rocky climbs of Ben Tallaidh, Mull's third-highest hill.  There, in a
Tobermory pub, he makes an unlikely ally in the shape of a local street-urchin named
"Shortcunt" (Horowitz).  Shorty shows him where the best mushrooms grow, and the
whole mission takes on a new, more profound meaning from there on.  Within the space
of a few hours, Bond goes from "suave and debonair" to "man who has lost track of his
molecules".

Bond now finds himself in a plush hotel bar on the planet Merkin.  He is surrounded
by strange and wonderful creatures (played by Parkes, Cunningham and Chopsy) and a
sign reads "beautiful man enclosure".  The floor and the walls are spiralling
uncontrollably, and the air is a teeming mass of invisible jelly jewellery. Colours
make noises, and noises have shapes.  No-one seems to mind him being there, it is a
nice place.  He feels safe, warm, loved.  The barman has a head made from cactus
patterns, and is only too happy to keep filling his bucket with warm liquid goo.

It is several days before Bond recovers his composure to any meaningful extent, and
is more than a little confused as to why he should be waking up naked, freezing cold
by the side of a lake, surrounded by sleeping otters.  Still, they all look happy
enough, although the vast amounts of jizz everywhere suggest the work of Goldarses.
He looks up towards the summit of Ben Tallaidh, and knows it is time to press on.

Unbeknownst to Bond, Goldarses has already initiated the Cuntspiracy sequence.  While
Bond was staggering around in a Scottish bog, fucked out of his box on magic
mushrooms and fellating otters by the dozen, Goldarses was holding the world to
ransom.  He had threatened to unleash his cuntspiracy ray unless just one woman, any
woman at all, had agreed to be his girlfriend.  The World had told him in no
uncertain terms that they don't strike bargains with terrorists, and Goldarses was
left with no other option than to make everyone pay for his suffering.  Would Bond
get there in time?  Would he fuck, the lazy cunt.  Turns out there are more otters at
the foot of Ben Tallaidh, and once again the mission was stalled.

Of course, Goldarses himself escapes in a giant rocket-powered Glans, and returns six
years later to battle Bond again in "The Spy Who Fisted Me".

==

Theme tune:  "Goldarses", sung by Shirley Bassey

"Goldarses,
He's the man,
The man with the arses of gold!
His knob-end's cold!!!111!!

Goldarses,
You want to touch,
But you must not touch,
Unless you want it!!!11lol!!1

He'll invite you around to his place,
He'll fist you and come on your face,
He's going to go, where no man's gone before!!!!one!!111
In through your back door!!!!111lol!1111!hornsection!!11

Goldarses,
Goldarses,
Goldarses.

==

I expect some film company or other to be in touch shortly.

Joe
--
"WHAT A SHIT WEBSITE! ITS NOT WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN SHIT!"